Family norms - a case study

​While continuing education, supervision, and working with clients teaches me a lot about eating behaviors, my most interesting experience has been exploring my own relationship with food compared to my husband's. We come from very different backgrounds - especially when it comes to how our families approached food. As a result how we view when to eat, what to eat, and when to stop eating is SO different! Click below to read more...

The first holiday I spent with my husband and his family blew my mind. The 8ish of us sat down to a stunning dinner at the table, without television. Everyone enjoyed one, non-heaping plate of food. They opted as a family to hold off on dessert because they were busy socializing and enjoying their meal. A few hours later they reconvened for pie and didn't even finish one pie (but had like three to choose from).

I on the other hand, was raised that at meals (especially holidays) you eat multiple plates, heaped with food. And you continue eating until your stomach is very full...BUT you STILL ate dessert. No. Matter. What. And a few hours later, you had another plate of food.

Needless to say, I watched his family in awe and inspiration. You didn't have to have dessert even though it was THERE?! You didn't have to have 2nds?? There would be MORE food later?! I never knew this fairy tale style of eating existed and my mind was blown. I now understand it's not quite as rare as I once believed but is a product of so many factors and skills that don't come easy to many families. 

My husband's food story

My husband is a rare gem who maintained his intuitive eating from childhood - he eats what he prefers, when he's hungry, without guilt, and stops when he's satisfied. If he wants dessert, he'll eat it. If not, he'll skip it, knowing he can have more (or something else) later. He takes health into consideration, but he doesn't feel much shame or guilt when deviating. Occasionally he'll see calorie numbers on a menu and wonder if that makes the food "unhealthy" but can easily center himself from diet-centric messages to focus on what his body needs and what he prefers.

My clinical and research experience has taught me he has these abilities in part because of how his family approached food and likely related to our society's approval of his body type (long and lean). He is the oldest of 3 boys and comes from a wonderful, supportive family in which all foods were plentiful, all the time. While I didn't know him growing up, he's shared that eating was and is about fueling athletics, enjoyment, and socializing. They were never shamed for eating too much or "the wrong" foods. All types of foods (including "treats") were plentiful in their house. If they were hungry, they were encouraged to eat meals instead of snack foods. His genetic build is naturally long and lean and he was encouraged from early on to eat when he was hungry and stop when satisfied - because there would always be more later. ​

In his own words: 

​"essentially ALL meals were with the whole family [mom, dad, two younger brothers], timed in coordination with the various after school activities, and my dad's arrival after work. It always blew my mind, but she [mom] would have it timed perfectly... I would go to school for morning practice, then school, then a killer evening swim session, and I'd walk in the door as food was hitting the table.

This coordination must have been extremely challenging but also must have done great things for the psychology of eating."

My food story...​

​I am not a natural intuitive eater and my background is almost the polar opposite of my husband.  It's a story so very similar to many I see in clinics - both children and adults. 

I come from a wonderful, supportive,  family. But I am the youngest of four children, with three older brothers. We are all built strong and muscular and society isn't always kind to an endomorph type (even if we can crush most at strength and power) ;) .  

We always had "enough" food - we never went hungry. However, we didn't often have the foods we preferred both due to financial limitation and my mom's concerns about our food choices. We were allowed "treats" on special occasions, such as after events, good grades, or when traveling.

My mom tried really hard to have family meals - they were very important to her. But with four children spanning 10 years in age, there was a lot of variation in schedules, appetites, and food preferences that edged out family meals early on. Mom cooked for my early years, but was frustrated that her meals got passed up for pizza. So eventually meals were "on our own." We relied on the 80's/90's staple foods of Stouffer's frozen meals, Hamburger Helper, fish sticks and french fries, and frozen pizza we could prepare ourselves.  

Nutrition was an interest for my mom - she loved learning how food can change health. Naturally she was frustrated with our fixation on chips, cookies, soda, pastries, and ice cream. She had plenty of fruits / vegetables around and tried to sneak them in wherever possible. But since we didn't eat together, we could easily skip them. Like so many parents that I see now, she was terrified at how much and how quickly a family of six could eat a gallon of ice cream and frustrated we'd skip over the fruit. So like most, she opted to hide the "treats" or never buy them and would scold us when it disappeared from hiding spots. 

​I quickly learned that if a preferred food was there, you had to eat a lot, quickly because you never knew when there would be more. So forget others - it's every man for himself. I remember coming home from a grade school activity and seeing that dinner (pizza) was made and gone. I'd cry, not because I was hungry and had no other choice, but because something was made and no one saved any for me.

But what she (and many other parents don't quite realize) is that by never having the food in the house, having no meal rhythm/structure, AND never being taught how to enjoy it without shame, created a circumstance in which some of us (including me) ate in secret, beyond the point of satisfaction / fullness, and without consideration of or connection to others.

How this affected me later

This background of situational restriction ON TOP of intentionally trying to diet (and further limit preferred foods) as a pre-teen, teenager, and adult only created a storm of disconnect and shame with food and my body. I felt completely out of control around food - if it was there, I had to eat it (and a lot) no matter if I enjoyed it or was actually hungry (for more about SELF-CONTROL, check out this blog post).

So naturally I felt the only way to be "safe" was to never buy it or avoid social situations in which it was around. But that only left me feeling further out of control and seeking more rules and ways to control my food. For years, I relied on (and failed) using tools such as calorie counting, food diaries, monitoring macros, meal planning, cleanses, "clean eating", and other popular diets. Unfortunately, these "tricks" that I tried and failed (yet still preached to my clients - SMH...I'm so sorry previous clients) only furthered the damage and escalated the feeling of being out of control. 

I still remember the excitement of a new diet / approach and the hope that "maybe THIS will 'fix' me" only to be crushed a few days/weeks later by deprivation and disappointment. Observing my husband's eating and understanding Intuitive Eating has given me much clarity (and healing) into what it means to honor physical and emotional need (for more about INTUITIVE EATING, check out this blog post). It took me many (many) years to differentiate my physical needs from the self-imposed and situational fears that there is "never enough food" ...  paired with gentle reminders that, "there will be more" and "I have permission to eat." 

I'm certainly happy with how I approach food now. I eat what I prefer without guilt or shame. Health and food chemistries are considerations, they're not the defining feature of the meal. I know it can sound too good to be true, but with practice, patience, kindness, and reflection, it's a world that exists. ​

Moral of the story...

We all come from a different food background and that has a strong impact on how we approach and interpret food. To pretend there's a "one size fits all" approach to nutrition and health is madness. Certainly there are core features - all bodies need "enough" food and nutrients, but how you get there is entirely individual. 

Stay nourished friends!