While continuing education, supervision, and working with clients teaches me a lot about eating behaviors, my most interesting experience has been exploring my own relationship with food compared to my husband’s. We come from very different backgrounds – especially when it comes to how our families approached food. As a result how we view when to eat, what to eat, and when to stop eating is SO different! Click below to read more…
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The first holiday I spent with my husband and his family blew my mind. The 8ish of us sat down to a stunning dinner at the table, without television. Everyone enjoyed one, non-heaping plate of food. They opted as a family to hold off on dessert because they were busy socializing and enjoying their meal. A few hours later they reconvened for pie and didn’t even finish one pie (but had like three to choose from).
I on the other hand, was raised that at meals (especially holidays) you eat multiple plates, heaped with food. And you continue eating until your stomach is very full…BUT you STILL ate dessert. No. Matter. What. And a few hours later, you had another plate of food. |
My husband’s food story
My husband is a rare gem who maintained his intuitive eating from childhood – he eats what he prefers, when he’s hungry, without guilt, and stops when he’s satisfied. If he wants dessert, he’ll eat it. If not, he’ll skip it, knowing he can have more (or something else) later. He takes health into consideration, but he doesn’t feel much shame or guilt when deviating. Occasionally he’ll see calorie numbers on a menu and wonder if that makes the food “unhealthy” but can easily center himself from diet-centric messages to focus on what his body needs and what he prefers.
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“essentially ALL meals were with the whole family [mom, dad, two younger brothers], timed in coordination with the various after school activities, and my dad’s arrival after work. It always blew my mind, but she [mom] would have it timed perfectly… I would go to school for morning practice, then school, then a killer evening swim session, and I’d walk in the door as food was hitting the table.
This coordination must have been extremely challenging but also must have done great things for the psychology of eating.” |
My food story…
I am not a natural intuitive eater and my background is almost the polar opposite of my husband. It’s a story so very similar to many I see in clinics – both children and adults.
I come from We always had “enough” food – we never went hungry. However, we didn’t often have the foods we preferred both due to financial limitation and my mom’s concerns about our food choices. We were allowed “treats” on special occasions, such as after events, good grades, or when traveling. My mom tried really hard to have family meals – they were very important to her. But with four children spanning 10 years in age, there was a lot of variation in schedules, appetites, and food preferences that edged out family meals early on. Mom cooked for my early years, but was frustrated that her meals got passed up for pizza. So eventually meals were “on our own.” We relied on the 80’s/90’s staple foods of Stouffer’s frozen meals, Hamburger Helper, fish sticks and french fries, and frozen pizza we could prepare ourselves. |
I quickly learned that if a preferred food was there, you had to eat a lot, quickly because you never knew when there would be more. So forget others – it’s every man for himself. I remember coming home from a grade school activity and seeing that dinner (pizza) was made and gone. I’d cry, not because I was hungry and had no other choice, but because something was made and no one saved any for me.
But what she (and many other parents don’t quite realize) is that by never having the food in the house, having no meal rhythm/structure, AND never being taught how to enjoy it without shame, created a circumstance in which some of us (including me) ate in secret, beyond the point of satisfaction / fullness, and without consideration of or connection to others.
How this affected me later
This background of situational restriction ON TOP of intentionally trying to diet (and further limit preferred foods) as a pre-teen, teenager, and adult only created a storm of disconnect and shame with food and my body. I felt completely out of control around food – if it was there, I had to eat it (and a lot) no matter if I enjoyed it or was actually hungry (for more about SELF-CONTROL, check out this blog post).
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I still remember the excitement of a new diet / approach and the hope that “maybe THIS will ‘fix’ me” only to be crushed a few days/weeks later by deprivation and disappointment. Observing my husband’s eating and understanding Intuitive Eating has given me much clarity (and healing) into what it means to honor physical and emotional need (for more about INTUITIVE EATING, check out this blog post). It took me many (many) years to differentiate my physical needs from the self-imposed and situational fears that there is “never enough food” … paired with gentle reminders that, “there will be more” and “I have permission to eat.”
I’m certainly happy with how I approach food now. I eat what I prefer without guilt or shame. Health and food chemistries are considerations, they’re not the defining feature of the meal. I know it can sound too good to be true, but with practice, patience, kindness, and reflection, it’s a world that exists.